Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Twilight Experience: Epilogue

It's been over two weeks since the Twilight Experience and I've taken the time to reflect before sharing my final thoughts on the subject with you.

When dealing with a saga of this magnitude, it is important to look at the woman who started it all, Stephenie Meyer (who spells it with an [e] in the middle by the way). Below is a brief description of how she began the Twilight series.

Stephenie Meyer's life changed dramatically on June 2, 2003. The stay-at-home mother of three young sons woke up from a dream featuring seemingly real characters that she could not get out of her head.

"Though I had a million things to do, I stayed in bed, thinking about the dream. Unwillingly, I eventually got up and did the immediate necessities, and then put everything that I possibly could on the back burner and sat down at the computer to write—something I hadn't done in so long that I wondered why I was bothering."

Meyer invented the plot during the day through swim lessons and potty training, and wrote it out late at night when the house was quiet. Three months later she finished her first novel, Twilight. (found at stepheniemeyer.com)


Now that's definitely the lady I want writing the novels that swept a nation...and all of their brain cells along with it.

While the Twilight movies and books provide me with an unending supply of comedy material, they ultimately disturb me for several reasons.

1. There are young girls all over the country...probably the world, that take this series seriously. The whole Bella/Edward relationship is totally f*&%ed up. According to Meyer, young girls should be boring, psycho, needy, clingy, and depressive. Gee Stephenie, I'm sure all of the male bros are totally looking forward to hooking up with those chicks.

2. Even worse than that, there are middle aged women that take Twilight seriously and that is simply horrifying. These movies should be enjoyed by everyone, but for mocking purposes only. I can give tweens a free pass because let's face it...they're all idiots. But some lady in her 40's? Really??? That's just pathetic.

Listen up ladies: If you are over 13 and insist on taking Twilight seriously then you deserve to have your movie experience ruined.

3. The story is super lame and boring. The whole point of vampire literature is that it's sexy. Twilight is not sexy. It's awkward. Stephenie: If you're not going to make it interesting, then at least make it hot.

4. There is no way that vampires sparkle in the sunlight. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not scary at all....AT ALL. It sounds like an idea a toddler would have.

So basically Stephenie Meyer has the same general interests as a 3yr old: finger painting, macaroni art, and shiny things!

I could go on, but quite frankly I'm bored with the whole topic. At the end of the day, no matter how many jokes I make about it, Twilight sucks. Watching (or reading) them is a waste of time, energy, and brain cells. I can't actually prove that last part, but I'm 100% positive that it's true.

The Minx's final word: Stephenie Meyer you are a complete waste of space on this Earth. You are using up our oxygen and we need it!

Tune in again in November for the grueling review of Part I of Breaking Dawn. (Weak Sauce)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Twilight Experience: Part III

Despite my gut reaction to another viewing of New Moon, I did not vacate the AMC Bridgewater premises immediately after the movie. I remained in my seat to witness the premiere evening of Eclipse along with the rag tag bunch of soccer moms and tweens dressed to the nines in their Twilight apparel.

There was an electricity in the air that I can only attribute the polar reaction of so many Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts coming into close contact with one another in a jam packed theater.

Eclipse
was to be a completely new experience for me in the Twilight realm. I managed to muddle my way through the first two books out of sheer will power, but failed miserably at Eclipse...mostly because it was too damn boring, but also because it read like something my family's jack russell terrier could have written...in one afternoon.

Technically I had no idea where this movie might be headed. I could only hope, as I had during the last two, that it was heading towards ANYONE getting laid. (yeah right)

It never ceases to amaze me how someone like Stephanie Meyer managed to write three books that turned into best sellers...all with the exact same plot. I honestly don't think it matters what order you read or watch these in.

1. Bella is insecure
2. Edward and Jacob have a feud over Bella
3. All the bad guys are obsessed with killing Bella. (Honestly I would be too, but not for the reason they lead you to believe in the movies. She's the most boring and annoying character I've seen in a long while and definitely deserves to fall off of a cliff (and actually die this time!!!!!!!) at the very least.)
4. Everyone fights over who should protect Bella
5......... d e a d s p a c e...........
6..................................................................
7..................................................................
8. Edward and Jacob get blue balls
9...............................random fight scene for no reason
10. Blue balls
11. Credits

It's pretty bad when the action scenes make you want to kill yourself out of boredom. The side plot about a "newborn" vampire army was pretty brutal, but it did give one of the Cullen Clan, Jasper, his time in the spot light.

Jasper, who has been pretty quiet most of the series so far was apparently in the US Cavalry, and because of his sudden back story and epic flashback....adopted a thick southern accent in the middle of the movie. Clearly ( I guess I should say luckily) the actors were not expected to read the book series when they were cast. This guy obviously had no idea that he was supposed to be from the south until right before shooting the flashbacks.

Despite the sudden change in character and voice, Jasper turns out to be pretty bad ass. Maybe he should have his own spin off movie.

Jacob Black, who is about as good an actor as the mop from the Swiffer commercials (so let's face it, pretty good), actually has some pretty funny scenes and one liners in Eclipse.

“I don’t have any leeches on my speed dial.”

“Does my being half-naked bother you?”

“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV”

In fact...a Jasper/Jacob spin off movie or show would be supa cool. It would be the ultimate bromance. They have the alliteration and everything. During the final minutes of Eclipse I found myself wondering why I couldn't be watching the J squared spin off movie instead of this piece of trash.

The Minx Says: At least there aren't any more of these coming out....until November 2011. 4 and 1/2 blessed months of rest before part I of Breaking Dawn, should Bella switch dish detergents because Dawn uses petroleum in their alleged eco-friendly recipe? Tune in November 18, 2011 to find out*.


*I can only hope that this is the real plot of Breaking Dawn.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Twilight Experience Saga: Part II

I think that we left off with Team Charlie being pretty awesome. This theme continues into the second movie, New Moon.

New Moon really gets things cooking plot wise. At this point in the saga, we have not one, not two, but three guys vying for Bella's affections. Who wins the Battle for Bella 2009?

a) Edward: A vampiric James Dean wanna be with slightly goofy hair, stenciled in abs, and a makeup job that makes Mimi from the Drew Carey Show look subtle. http://www.freealabama.com/images/mimi.jpg

b) Jacob: A Native American werewolf with a heart of gold and abs that are decidedly not drawn on. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_bX9OR1X47Nw/Sw_9OMZdQhI/AAAAAAAAAVw/GkbHev9mlHw/s1600/Jacob-Black-New-Moon-twilight-series-7288928-707-1104.jpg

c) Mike: The all American townie that moderately resembles the Mad TV guy http://sharetv.org/images/madtv-show.jpg

Before we move on, just a side note about the references to Jacob and Edward's ab muscles. I think the comparison in the following link will clear up any uncertainty surrounding the situation. http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/8400000/Kanye-Edward-vs-Jacob-jacob-black-8490883-678-452.jpg

Ok...let's get back to Battle for Bella 2009. As we all know, Edward had the lead in the last movie. How could anyone catch up after such a tremendous head start? Well...probably because Edward leaves about 10 minutes into the movie and only appears in misty globs due to Bella's ever worsening psychoses.

Jacob however, is around like 24/7 for a good chunk of time. He and Bella seem to be getting pretty close until about halfway through the movie when he decides to reveal to her his innermost secret...he is a never nude (Don't mock people. This is a real and serious condition involving jorts, sneakers, and no shirt.). Apparently becoming a never nude is a severe side affect of lycanthropy.

Perks of Jacob include but are not limited to:

1. He happens to be there
2. He has a real 6 pack
3. His teeth are very white
4. He can pop his shirt off in 0.00002 seconds flat (a movie record at the very least)
5. Medically speaking, he can think on his feet. (when Bella falls off her motorcycle, he ingeniously uses his shirt popping ability to clean Bella's open head wound)

Despite his clear advantages in New Moon, Jacob never quite seems to win Bella over.

At least Jacob has a little bit of a shot. Poor Mike over in Forks is pretty much hopeless. Not only does he have the clear disadvantage of looking like a giant baby, but Bella won't even agree to go out on an actual date with him. She spends plenty of alone time with misty Edward and furry Jacob, but when it comes time to go to a movie with Mike, she needs a buffer. I mean, she even goes on a motorcycle ride alone with a creepy, fat, balding old guy! Her standards are clearly not that high.

Sorry to say Mike...that you are officially out the the Battle for Bella running.

In addition to Team Charlie being awesome, it becomes increasingly clear that Jessica (Bella's Fork's friend played by Anna Kendrick) is way cooler and more interesting than Bella. Her scenes are a welcome relief from the utter monotony of the rest of the movie. Unfortunately, just like in Twilight, her scenes are few and far between.

Apparently there's nothing more thrilling than watching Bella do.....NOTHING. This is over half of the movie people. I especially love the scene where Edward first leaves and there is a montage of what? Bella sitting in a chair, not moving, staring out the window as the seasons pass for like 10 minutes!!!

I'm seriously getting bored just talking about this. Just a few more comments and I promise this movie is almost over!

So what's up with the Dakota Fanning and the guy from freaking Frost/Nixon being in this movie. I guess I understand Dakota. She's growing up and wants to somehow remain relevant. But Frost from Frost/Nixon??? Are you kidding me??? You don't go from making Frost/Nixon to making New Moon!!! You can maybe go from making Uptown Girls to making New Moon...oh what? Oh she already did that...good thinking Dakota.

What's the New Moon verdict you ask???

The Minx says: She's going to answer this one with a question, which is...Why the hell am I still watching these movies??????

Tune in next time for the continuation of the Twilight Experience Saga where MM will delve into the destined to be classic, Eclipse.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Twilight Experience: Part I

I'm sure that all of my readers out there are on the edge of their seats...because I have received comments saying you are on the edge of your seats in anticipation of my next Twilight entry.

Let's focus on the first movie of the Saga, Twilight.

Now I've seen this movie before, but never in the theater. Now if you thought that Twilight was boring in the comfort of your own home...then you are absolutely correct, and that goes double for the in theater experience. It's just like watching the movie in your living room except bigger and much much less comfortable. At least in your house you can squish down on your comfy couch with a beer, or for Twilight, let's face it...a scotch (double). The extreme awkward sexual tension with a total lack of actual sex is merely close up with a wide angle lens, somehow making it EVEN MORE AWKWARD! It also makes the alleged love interest in the movie even less realistic.

The makeup job on Robert Pattinson (Edward) is nauseating at best. He looks like a combination clown/blind old lady. You would think they could at least blend in the makeup lines on his chin line.

Speaking of nauseating, does Edward actually like Bella? Every time he's close to her it kind of looks like he's about to throw up. Either that or he's taking a massive number 2. I guess that's his version of being really strongly attracted to someone. Someone find out what acting school he attended.

Kristen Stewart's (Bella "oh I'm so clumsy and hideous act...why would anyone ever want to be with me" gets more obnoxious as my viewings of the film (I say laughably) increase.

I did notice one particular aspect of Bella's personality that spoke much louder on the big screen: she's a complete psycho! Her obsession over Edward in this film is not only gross and unhealthy, it's a bad example to set for our nations tweens. Also...it's really pathetic and unrealistic. There is no way a theoretically hot vampire is going to want some girl hanging all over him and saying she wants to be with him forever. No wonder Edward won't turn her into a vampire in the end of the movie. I don't think a human guy would want a chick like that hanging around for the rest of her life, let alone a smoldering 100 year old vampire.

Is there any saving grace in this movie? Well...not exactly a saving grace, but there is a beacon of light. It may be quite faint, but if you're really looking for it...you may catch a glimmer of it. What is this beacon of light? CHARLIE, Bella's dad. He is literally the only one invested in this movie. I have a theory that he's actually a stand up comic and he's using the Twilight movies to finely tune his skills. Any scene with Charlie in it is completely bearable. Unfortunately, Charlie is only in like four scenes so his screen time is rather limited.

I could go on, but if you've seen Twilight...I hope that I don't have to.

Media Minx says: Screw Team Edward and Team Jacob! Go for TEAM CHARLIE!!!!!

Tune in tomorrow for the continuation of the Minx's Twilight Experience Saga

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Twilight Experience: Prologue

The continuation of the Twilight Saga, Eclipse, arrived in theaters on June 30th, 2010 at 12:01am. If you were lucky you managed to get a ticket to the midnight showing. I mean, who wouldn't want to be there for the ultra gripping love triangle that entangles Bella, Edward and Jacob?

If you were even luckier, you managed to obtain a ticket to the Twilight Experience (a nine hour recap that included showings of the previous two movies and ended in a grand finale, a showing of Eclipse at the witching hour).

Being a reviewer of movies at the classiest level, of course I attended the event at my local AMC Theater. The ticket cost for this blessed event was $30. To add an extra bonus to the already sweet sweet pot, AMC gave each attendee a commemorative event lanyard and a $10 AMC Theater gift card featuring the images of Bella, Edward and Jacob.

That about sets the stage for the event that will undoubtedly go down in history. As what exactly? Well you'll have to keep reading the Media Minx Twilight Experience Saga to find out...

Tune in tomorrow for Part I of the media minx's assessment of the Twilight Experience, beginning with Twilight.