Breaking Dawn Part One: It's gonna be legen, wait for it...What's that? Oh it's super boring?? Whoops.

It's taken a while to gather the strength required to write this post. Going into this movie, I really didn't believe Breaking Dawn Part One could be any worse than Eclipse. I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only does this movie suffer from the normal Twilight Saga shortcomings, it's also incredibly boring. Literally almost nothing happens in this (I laughingly say) film. As some of you may recall the last movie left off on a "riveting" cliff hanger: Will Bella marry Edward so that she can become a vampire? Even if you didn't read the books, which in itself is a colossal waste of time, the answer was obvious. Of course she was going to do it. She's an 18 year old twit whose happiness and self worth are reliant on whatever douche she happens to be dating at the time. The first half hour or so of Breaking Dawn Part One revolves around the wedding weekend. Just in case we forgot, Bella's perpetual and allegedly endearing clumsiness is brought to the forefront in a scene where literally all she does is try to walk in high heels. Honestly, if she's been "practicing" walking in them for weeks and still hasn't gotten the hang of it, she's either handicapped in some way or has a really bad inner ear thing that's messing with her equilibrium. Come on Bella. Walking in heels is not rocket science! I'd have to say the best part (meaning hilarious) of the movie takes place literally within the first minute. The entire opening sequence shows all of Bella's close friends and family members receiving their wedding invitations amidst various geographical backdrops. Around the 50 second mark Jacob receives his invitation. Now there are a lot of reactions he could have had to this. I think that ripping off his shirt was definitely the most appropriate though... Fast forward to the actual wedding ceremony: This section holds possibly the most awkward moment in the movie in which Bella walks down the aisle. Not even kidding this segment takes like two minutes, which in Twilight time is like a year. There's a lot of lip biting and facial twitches here. I'm not gonna lie. What gets me most about this scene however, is the pure subtlety. When Bella spies Edward at the end of the aisle she's miraculously fine and the rest of the guests disappear from the scene. WE GET IT Bill Condon (director)! To them it's like they're the only ones in the room. PS if Bella is soooo into Edward then why does she look like she wants to ram her tongue down Jacob's throat like ten minutes later when he shows up? Two things happen in this scene: 1. You see that Bella has taken off her high heels and put on sneakers...because she's so adorably clumsy I'm guessing. Puke. 2. She confirms that she's finally going to bang Edward on their honeymoon. Jacob storms off in a huff because I guess he was still hoping that he'd get there first? Or maybe because he knows that she's going to become a vampire soon. About time if you ask me. They've only been talking about this for like the past three movies. The movie really gets cooking once Bella and Edward leave for their honeymoon on a family owned private island. How convenient for them. If you were waiting around all this time to finally see the two of them have sex, you'll be sorely disappointed here. They have an allegedly passionate night of love making where it looks like Edward rips into the bed more than Bella, I mean the room looks ridiculous afterward. I guess that's what happens if you get that backed up for that long? In addition to the bedroom being destroyed Bella gets a bruise and Edward won't have sex with her anymore. How convenient for him... They spend the rest of the honeymoon playing multiple games of chess in various locations. Really they should have just cut to the chase and announced that Bella is preggers with a demon baby. They quickly go back to Forks where Bella hides out in the Cullen's house as the mysterious baby is basically killing Bella. A true martyr, she decides to keep the "baby" even though almost everyone, including Edward, wants her to get rid of it. Other stuff happens but honestly it's way to boring to go into. The werewolves are pissed about the baby and Bella too. They start a feud with the Cullens. Bella ends up looking like a skeleton, and by the way I'm sure that Kristen Stewart totally method acted the shit out of that and lost like 30 pounds for the movie. It was not at all computer generated. That's how much she cares about her art. They find out that the baby wants blood so there's a bunch of gross shots of Bella drinking blood out of like a milkshake glass. Eventually, in the middle of the big fight scene, Bella goes into labor. Edward has to bite through her stomach to get the baby out. Again...gross. And Bella seemingly dies, but Edward bites her like a thousand times to save her. While she's out the feud is magically ended because like a true creeper Jacob imprints on the new baby. This is just wrong on so many levels. Oh and the freaking baby! I forgot to mention what they decide to name her: Renesmee (combination of the two mothers' names)! Are you fracking kidding me? That is the dumbest name ever. That kid is going to get tortured in school. I guess on the plus side she can just rip in to them literally, since I guess she's a vampire? The first ending to the movie is Bella walking up as her vampire self and opening her eyes. But if you watch a couple more minutes into the credits you see the Volturi in Italy, finding out that Bella had the baby and Frost Nixon guy says that the Cullen's have something that he wants. Presumably Renesmee. Really riveting ending. I'm sure he was glad to show up on set and get that makeup caked on for that. Well I don't know about you but I cannot wait to see the thrilling conclusion of this series. Oh wait did I say cannot? I meant I definitely can, like indefinitely. I could not care less if I never find out what ends up happening with these characters. Because honestly, the best characters are practically not around anymore: Charlie, Bella's friends from Forks...yeah I guess that's it. And they were out of the movie by the thirty minute mark. What a sad commentary. Don't worry though. Out of respect for finishing what I start I will force myself into the theater, or at least to a red box 2 months later, to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2. So tune in several months from now for the final chapter on these abysmal films.