Friday, May 11, 2012
Breaking Dawn Part One: It's gonna be legen, wait for it...What's that? Oh it's super boring?? Whoops.
It's taken a while to gather the strength required to write this post. Going into this movie, I really didn't believe Breaking Dawn Part One could be any worse than Eclipse. I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only does this movie suffer from the normal Twilight Saga shortcomings, it's also incredibly boring. Literally almost nothing happens in this (I laughingly say) film.
As some of you may recall the last movie left off on a "riveting" cliff hanger: Will Bella marry Edward so that she can become a vampire? Even if you didn't read the books, which in itself is a colossal waste of time, the answer was obvious. Of course she was going to do it. She's an 18 year old twit whose happiness and self worth are reliant on whatever douche she happens to be dating at the time.
The first half hour or so of Breaking Dawn Part One revolves around the wedding weekend. Just in case we forgot, Bella's perpetual and allegedly endearing clumsiness is brought to the forefront in a scene where literally all she does is try to walk in high heels. Honestly, if she's been "practicing" walking in them for weeks and still hasn't gotten the hang of it, she's either handicapped in some way or has a really bad inner ear thing that's messing with her equilibrium. Come on Bella. Walking in heels is not rocket science!
I'd have to say the best part (meaning hilarious) of the movie takes place literally within the first minute. The entire opening sequence shows all of Bella's close friends and family members receiving their wedding invitations amidst various geographical backdrops. Around the 50 second mark Jacob receives his invitation. Now there are a lot of reactions he could have had to this. I think that ripping off his shirt was definitely the most appropriate though...
Fast forward to the actual wedding ceremony: This section holds possibly the most awkward moment in the movie in which Bella walks down the aisle. Not even kidding this segment takes like two minutes, which in Twilight time is like a year. There's a lot of lip biting and facial twitches here. I'm not gonna lie. What gets me most about this scene however, is the pure subtlety. When Bella spies Edward at the end of the aisle she's miraculously fine and the rest of the guests disappear from the scene. WE GET IT Bill Condon (director)! To them it's like they're the only ones in the room. PS if Bella is soooo into Edward then why does she look like she wants to ram her tongue down Jacob's throat like ten minutes later when he shows up? Two things happen in this scene: 1. You see that Bella has taken off her high heels and put on sneakers...because she's so adorably clumsy I'm guessing. Puke. 2. She confirms that she's finally going to bang Edward on their honeymoon. Jacob storms off in a huff because I guess he was still hoping that he'd get there first? Or maybe because he knows that she's going to become a vampire soon. About time if you ask me. They've only been talking about this for like the past three movies.
The movie really gets cooking once Bella and Edward leave for their honeymoon on a family owned private island. How convenient for them. If you were waiting around all this time to finally see the two of them have sex, you'll be sorely disappointed here. They have an allegedly passionate night of love making where it looks like Edward rips into the bed more than Bella, I mean the room looks ridiculous afterward. I guess that's what happens if you get that backed up for that long? In addition to the bedroom being destroyed Bella gets a bruise and Edward won't have sex with her anymore. How convenient for him... They spend the rest of the honeymoon playing multiple games of chess in various locations. Really they should have just cut to the chase and announced that Bella is preggers with a demon baby.
They quickly go back to Forks where Bella hides out in the Cullen's house as the mysterious baby is basically killing Bella. A true martyr, she decides to keep the "baby" even though almost everyone, including Edward, wants her to get rid of it.
Other stuff happens but honestly it's way to boring to go into. The werewolves are pissed about the baby and Bella too. They start a feud with the Cullens. Bella ends up looking like a skeleton, and by the way I'm sure that Kristen Stewart totally method acted the shit out of that and lost like 30 pounds for the movie. It was not at all computer generated. That's how much she cares about her art. They find out that the baby wants blood so there's a bunch of gross shots of Bella drinking blood out of like a milkshake glass.
Eventually, in the middle of the big fight scene, Bella goes into labor. Edward has to bite through her stomach to get the baby out. Again...gross. And Bella seemingly dies, but Edward bites her like a thousand times to save her. While she's out the feud is magically ended because like a true creeper Jacob imprints on the new baby. This is just wrong on so many levels.
Oh and the freaking baby! I forgot to mention what they decide to name her: Renesmee (combination of the two mothers' names)! Are you fracking kidding me? That is the dumbest name ever. That kid is going to get tortured in school. I guess on the plus side she can just rip in to them literally, since I guess she's a vampire?
The first ending to the movie is Bella walking up as her vampire self and opening her eyes. But if you watch a couple more minutes into the credits you see the Volturi in Italy, finding out that Bella had the baby and Frost Nixon guy says that the Cullen's have something that he wants. Presumably Renesmee. Really riveting ending. I'm sure he was glad to show up on set and get that makeup caked on for that.
Well I don't know about you but I cannot wait to see the thrilling conclusion of this series. Oh wait did I say cannot? I meant I definitely can, like indefinitely. I could not care less if I never find out what ends up happening with these characters. Because honestly, the best characters are practically not around anymore: Charlie, Bella's friends from Forks...yeah I guess that's it. And they were out of the movie by the thirty minute mark. What a sad commentary.
Don't worry though. Out of respect for finishing what I start I will force myself into the theater, or at least to a red box 2 months later, to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2. So tune in several months from now for the final chapter on these abysmal films.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Splice (2010): To see or not to see? That is the question.
The theater release of Splice may have slipped by you unnoticed in June of 2010. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if you also missed the DVD and On Demand release just a few months later. But the point is that it's here now for all to see. The question very few people are waiting to have answered remains: Should you see it?
While I definitely would not have gone to see this movie in theaters, I did watch it recently over my Thanksgiving vacation with some family members because it happened to have a longer running time than a documentary on vampires, which, when you're paying $5 to rent it through your cable provider, is an important thing to take into account.
There I was, snuggling with a steaming hot cup of cocoa, fuzzy socks on my feet, with my spouse, aunts, uncles and cousins all around me, watching the opening credits to Splice.
The first thing I'm reminded of, is Splice stars the NYC native, Adrien Brody, most famous for winning his Academy Award for Best Actor in The Pianist (2002). Adrien Brody is like a rare fruit that ripens with age, now starring in such films as Predators (2010), in which he shared the spotlight with the disturbingly surreal, Topher Grace. Logically his next move in cinema had to be strategically planned. Hence Splice.
Clive (Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) play genetic engineers. They also happen to be romantically involved and living together. N.E.R.D (lol at the level of cleverness) is the evil money hungry corporation they work for.
In the beginning of the movie we are introduced to their primary project: two globular beings that look like large digesting stomachs made of cellulite. Elsa and Clive explain that they have created a pair, one male and one female, called Fred and Ginger. They want to merge these pulsating stomachs with human DNA to create a hybrid being in order to revolutionize science as we know it. N.E.R.D. forbids this, not surprisingly, and I'm sure you can guess what happens next.
That's right my dear Watson! With a little psycho prodding from Elsa (more to come there my friends), Clive agrees to do it anyway in secret. In a huge corporate funded research facility??? With hundreds of other workers all around??? What's that...oh of course, there's an abandoned wing that's not in use. Phew, how convenient for our stars.
Although many of the actual details are left out of this plot line, we are led to the conclusion that Elsa has injected her DNA into the creature for their experiment. We'll skip forward a bit to the birth of Elsa's sort of clone sort of hybrid baby which she names Dren (get it...it's N.E.R.D. spelled backwards!!!).
When Dren first appears (congrats Elsa! It's a girl) she mostly looks like a fleshy monkey/rabbit. They soon learn that she has a toxic poison stinger on her tail. Gee, I wonder if that's going to come back at all later in the story?? Oh, also she has retractable wings.
Basically Dren grows super super fast, maturing into a teenager in an undisclosed amount of time, but we're pretty sure it's weeks. Eventually they can't keep her in their not so secret lab and she's moved to a barn in the country. This is where we learn that Elsa is a psycho bitch because she suffered some kind of abuse from her mother there. Again...it's not quite clear what happened. This plot is just riddled with holes that, like all over our nations highways, never seem to be filled.
In order to place more emphasis on Elsa's traumatic past, they show her acting very bipolar with Dren as she matures. She takes away her pet cat, and even cuts off her stinger one minute, and then gives her presents and makeovers the next. Clive sees Elsa unraveling, particularly in an awkward dance montage with Dren when he realizes the truth about where she came from.
How many awkward/uncomfortable scenes can there be in this one movie? A lot, and French Canadian director, Vincenzo Natali, saves the best for the final act.
In a moment of awkward passion, Clive has sex with Dren. Not surprisingly, Elsa walks in on them and storms off in the couple's Gremlin (sweet car). You can imagine the next scene between Clive and Elsa.
Clive: (Walks into apartment. Elsa is sitting at the table) "Soooo...are we cool? I mean you do share the same DNA. How do you feel about waffles this morning?"
Needless to say, after the inter species sex, Elsa and Clive decide to "terminate" their science experiment. When they get to the abandoned barn they find Dren dead. Much like you're supposed to do with any type of medical or electrical waste, they just dump her a hole out back.
The pesky supervisor from N.E.R.D. learns about their little project and follows them to the country where he insists on seeing Dren. Who would have predicted that they wouldn't actually be able to hide Dren in that huge research facility without a bunch of people finding out???
Just as they tell The Man that she's buried out back, Dren swoops into the scene. Death has changed her a little. Mostly because she's now a he. Clive an Elsa probably should have taken into account that Ginger, the female blob from the beginning changed sex halfway through the movie. That's something I would definitely have looked into. But whatever.
Uber male Dren is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. He wipes out the N.E.R.D guys in like two seconds and then focuses his attention on surrogate parents Clive and Elsa. The couple runs deep into the woods, where Clive is undoubtedly thinking "OMG does this make me gay??!??"
The movie climaxes with a most disturbing scene in which Dren actually speaks, raping Elsa, and telling her he wants to be "inside her." Gross! In a final heroic moment, Clive kills Dren just before he is fatally poisoned by his HUGE tale stinger (I so called that one).
The epilogue shows an extremely pregnant Elsa, haggling with the N.E.R.D. president over rights to her hybrid Dren baby. My thing with this is how stupid is this woman? That baby probably has a stinger too. She'll most likely die when the baby is born, if not before then. She's either an idiot, or seriously pro life. I mean that's hardcore.
My main problem with this movie is that it didn't know what it wanted to be. It lacks the intentional comedic timing and value of a true B movie, but it isn't good enough to take seriously either. Nothing is ever really explained, the characters are kind of flat, and Brody and Polley have zero chemistry together. They play like two people that happen to be in the same room together. In all honesty, blobs Ginger and Fred had a better stage presence, and that's just sad.
The fore mentioned Academy Award says that Brody can act, so who's to blame for this mishap? I'm going to say this is all on the director, Vincenzo Natali. After researching a few of his other movies (no I didn't watch them, but I did read reviews), his calling card seems to be providing the audience with a fairly interesting premise, but not really following through on anything else.
If you like to create your own Mystery Science Theater experience, then watch this movie. It has a lot of talking points, and laugh worthy material. It's not really worth spending the money to buy though, so plan on renting or better yet, streaming it off Netflix. If you don't believe me, just look at the Box Office numbers. Splice cost an estimated $26,000,000 to make, and only earned about $17,000,000. I would say the studio lost money on this deal.
The Minx gives this movie a C-. Having an interesting premise is not enough to carry a movie, no matter how many sex scenes you throw into it. The general message of Splice is, in the words of Patton Oswalt, "We're all about coulda not shoulda. You're welcome. We're science."
While I definitely would not have gone to see this movie in theaters, I did watch it recently over my Thanksgiving vacation with some family members because it happened to have a longer running time than a documentary on vampires, which, when you're paying $5 to rent it through your cable provider, is an important thing to take into account.
There I was, snuggling with a steaming hot cup of cocoa, fuzzy socks on my feet, with my spouse, aunts, uncles and cousins all around me, watching the opening credits to Splice.
The first thing I'm reminded of, is Splice stars the NYC native, Adrien Brody, most famous for winning his Academy Award for Best Actor in The Pianist (2002). Adrien Brody is like a rare fruit that ripens with age, now starring in such films as Predators (2010), in which he shared the spotlight with the disturbingly surreal, Topher Grace. Logically his next move in cinema had to be strategically planned. Hence Splice.
Clive (Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) play genetic engineers. They also happen to be romantically involved and living together. N.E.R.D (lol at the level of cleverness) is the evil money hungry corporation they work for.
In the beginning of the movie we are introduced to their primary project: two globular beings that look like large digesting stomachs made of cellulite. Elsa and Clive explain that they have created a pair, one male and one female, called Fred and Ginger. They want to merge these pulsating stomachs with human DNA to create a hybrid being in order to revolutionize science as we know it. N.E.R.D. forbids this, not surprisingly, and I'm sure you can guess what happens next.
That's right my dear Watson! With a little psycho prodding from Elsa (more to come there my friends), Clive agrees to do it anyway in secret. In a huge corporate funded research facility??? With hundreds of other workers all around??? What's that...oh of course, there's an abandoned wing that's not in use. Phew, how convenient for our stars.
Although many of the actual details are left out of this plot line, we are led to the conclusion that Elsa has injected her DNA into the creature for their experiment. We'll skip forward a bit to the birth of Elsa's sort of clone sort of hybrid baby which she names Dren (get it...it's N.E.R.D. spelled backwards!!!).
When Dren first appears (congrats Elsa! It's a girl) she mostly looks like a fleshy monkey/rabbit. They soon learn that she has a toxic poison stinger on her tail. Gee, I wonder if that's going to come back at all later in the story?? Oh, also she has retractable wings.
Basically Dren grows super super fast, maturing into a teenager in an undisclosed amount of time, but we're pretty sure it's weeks. Eventually they can't keep her in their not so secret lab and she's moved to a barn in the country. This is where we learn that Elsa is a psycho bitch because she suffered some kind of abuse from her mother there. Again...it's not quite clear what happened. This plot is just riddled with holes that, like all over our nations highways, never seem to be filled.
In order to place more emphasis on Elsa's traumatic past, they show her acting very bipolar with Dren as she matures. She takes away her pet cat, and even cuts off her stinger one minute, and then gives her presents and makeovers the next. Clive sees Elsa unraveling, particularly in an awkward dance montage with Dren when he realizes the truth about where she came from.
How many awkward/uncomfortable scenes can there be in this one movie? A lot, and French Canadian director, Vincenzo Natali, saves the best for the final act.
In a moment of awkward passion, Clive has sex with Dren. Not surprisingly, Elsa walks in on them and storms off in the couple's Gremlin (sweet car). You can imagine the next scene between Clive and Elsa.
Clive: (Walks into apartment. Elsa is sitting at the table) "Soooo...are we cool? I mean you do share the same DNA. How do you feel about waffles this morning?"
Needless to say, after the inter species sex, Elsa and Clive decide to "terminate" their science experiment. When they get to the abandoned barn they find Dren dead. Much like you're supposed to do with any type of medical or electrical waste, they just dump her a hole out back.
The pesky supervisor from N.E.R.D. learns about their little project and follows them to the country where he insists on seeing Dren. Who would have predicted that they wouldn't actually be able to hide Dren in that huge research facility without a bunch of people finding out???
Just as they tell The Man that she's buried out back, Dren swoops into the scene. Death has changed her a little. Mostly because she's now a he. Clive an Elsa probably should have taken into account that Ginger, the female blob from the beginning changed sex halfway through the movie. That's something I would definitely have looked into. But whatever.
Uber male Dren is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. He wipes out the N.E.R.D guys in like two seconds and then focuses his attention on surrogate parents Clive and Elsa. The couple runs deep into the woods, where Clive is undoubtedly thinking "OMG does this make me gay??!??"
The movie climaxes with a most disturbing scene in which Dren actually speaks, raping Elsa, and telling her he wants to be "inside her." Gross! In a final heroic moment, Clive kills Dren just before he is fatally poisoned by his HUGE tale stinger (I so called that one).
The epilogue shows an extremely pregnant Elsa, haggling with the N.E.R.D. president over rights to her hybrid Dren baby. My thing with this is how stupid is this woman? That baby probably has a stinger too. She'll most likely die when the baby is born, if not before then. She's either an idiot, or seriously pro life. I mean that's hardcore.
My main problem with this movie is that it didn't know what it wanted to be. It lacks the intentional comedic timing and value of a true B movie, but it isn't good enough to take seriously either. Nothing is ever really explained, the characters are kind of flat, and Brody and Polley have zero chemistry together. They play like two people that happen to be in the same room together. In all honesty, blobs Ginger and Fred had a better stage presence, and that's just sad.
The fore mentioned Academy Award says that Brody can act, so who's to blame for this mishap? I'm going to say this is all on the director, Vincenzo Natali. After researching a few of his other movies (no I didn't watch them, but I did read reviews), his calling card seems to be providing the audience with a fairly interesting premise, but not really following through on anything else.
If you like to create your own Mystery Science Theater experience, then watch this movie. It has a lot of talking points, and laugh worthy material. It's not really worth spending the money to buy though, so plan on renting or better yet, streaming it off Netflix. If you don't believe me, just look at the Box Office numbers. Splice cost an estimated $26,000,000 to make, and only earned about $17,000,000. I would say the studio lost money on this deal.
The Minx gives this movie a C-. Having an interesting premise is not enough to carry a movie, no matter how many sex scenes you throw into it. The general message of Splice is, in the words of Patton Oswalt, "We're all about coulda not shoulda. You're welcome. We're science."
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Twilight Experience: Epilogue
It's been over two weeks since the Twilight Experience and I've taken the time to reflect before sharing my final thoughts on the subject with you.
When dealing with a saga of this magnitude, it is important to look at the woman who started it all, Stephenie Meyer (who spells it with an [e] in the middle by the way). Below is a brief description of how she began the Twilight series.
Stephenie Meyer's life changed dramatically on June 2, 2003. The stay-at-home mother of three young sons woke up from a dream featuring seemingly real characters that she could not get out of her head.
"Though I had a million things to do, I stayed in bed, thinking about the dream. Unwillingly, I eventually got up and did the immediate necessities, and then put everything that I possibly could on the back burner and sat down at the computer to write—something I hadn't done in so long that I wondered why I was bothering."
Meyer invented the plot during the day through swim lessons and potty training, and wrote it out late at night when the house was quiet. Three months later she finished her first novel, Twilight. (found at stepheniemeyer.com)
Now that's definitely the lady I want writing the novels that swept a nation...and all of their brain cells along with it.
While the Twilight movies and books provide me with an unending supply of comedy material, they ultimately disturb me for several reasons.
1. There are young girls all over the country...probably the world, that take this series seriously. The whole Bella/Edward relationship is totally f*&%ed up. According to Meyer, young girls should be boring, psycho, needy, clingy, and depressive. Gee Stephenie, I'm sure all of the male bros are totally looking forward to hooking up with those chicks.
2. Even worse than that, there are middle aged women that take Twilight seriously and that is simply horrifying. These movies should be enjoyed by everyone, but for mocking purposes only. I can give tweens a free pass because let's face it...they're all idiots. But some lady in her 40's? Really??? That's just pathetic.
Listen up ladies: If you are over 13 and insist on taking Twilight seriously then you deserve to have your movie experience ruined.
3. The story is super lame and boring. The whole point of vampire literature is that it's sexy. Twilight is not sexy. It's awkward. Stephenie: If you're not going to make it interesting, then at least make it hot.
4. There is no way that vampires sparkle in the sunlight. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not scary at all....AT ALL. It sounds like an idea a toddler would have.
So basically Stephenie Meyer has the same general interests as a 3yr old: finger painting, macaroni art, and shiny things!
I could go on, but quite frankly I'm bored with the whole topic. At the end of the day, no matter how many jokes I make about it, Twilight sucks. Watching (or reading) them is a waste of time, energy, and brain cells. I can't actually prove that last part, but I'm 100% positive that it's true.
The Minx's final word: Stephenie Meyer you are a complete waste of space on this Earth. You are using up our oxygen and we need it!
Tune in again in November for the grueling review of Part I of Breaking Dawn. (Weak Sauce)
When dealing with a saga of this magnitude, it is important to look at the woman who started it all, Stephenie Meyer (who spells it with an [e] in the middle by the way). Below is a brief description of how she began the Twilight series.
Stephenie Meyer's life changed dramatically on June 2, 2003. The stay-at-home mother of three young sons woke up from a dream featuring seemingly real characters that she could not get out of her head.
"Though I had a million things to do, I stayed in bed, thinking about the dream. Unwillingly, I eventually got up and did the immediate necessities, and then put everything that I possibly could on the back burner and sat down at the computer to write—something I hadn't done in so long that I wondered why I was bothering."
Meyer invented the plot during the day through swim lessons and potty training, and wrote it out late at night when the house was quiet. Three months later she finished her first novel, Twilight. (found at stepheniemeyer.com)
Now that's definitely the lady I want writing the novels that swept a nation...and all of their brain cells along with it.
While the Twilight movies and books provide me with an unending supply of comedy material, they ultimately disturb me for several reasons.
1. There are young girls all over the country...probably the world, that take this series seriously. The whole Bella/Edward relationship is totally f*&%ed up. According to Meyer, young girls should be boring, psycho, needy, clingy, and depressive. Gee Stephenie, I'm sure all of the male bros are totally looking forward to hooking up with those chicks.
2. Even worse than that, there are middle aged women that take Twilight seriously and that is simply horrifying. These movies should be enjoyed by everyone, but for mocking purposes only. I can give tweens a free pass because let's face it...they're all idiots. But some lady in her 40's? Really??? That's just pathetic.
Listen up ladies: If you are over 13 and insist on taking Twilight seriously then you deserve to have your movie experience ruined.
3. The story is super lame and boring. The whole point of vampire literature is that it's sexy. Twilight is not sexy. It's awkward. Stephenie: If you're not going to make it interesting, then at least make it hot.
4. There is no way that vampires sparkle in the sunlight. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not scary at all....AT ALL. It sounds like an idea a toddler would have.
So basically Stephenie Meyer has the same general interests as a 3yr old: finger painting, macaroni art, and shiny things!
I could go on, but quite frankly I'm bored with the whole topic. At the end of the day, no matter how many jokes I make about it, Twilight sucks. Watching (or reading) them is a waste of time, energy, and brain cells. I can't actually prove that last part, but I'm 100% positive that it's true.
The Minx's final word: Stephenie Meyer you are a complete waste of space on this Earth. You are using up our oxygen and we need it!
Tune in again in November for the grueling review of Part I of Breaking Dawn. (Weak Sauce)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Twilight Experience: Part III
Despite my gut reaction to another viewing of New Moon, I did not vacate the AMC Bridgewater premises immediately after the movie. I remained in my seat to witness the premiere evening of Eclipse along with the rag tag bunch of soccer moms and tweens dressed to the nines in their Twilight apparel.
There was an electricity in the air that I can only attribute the polar reaction of so many Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts coming into close contact with one another in a jam packed theater.
Eclipse was to be a completely new experience for me in the Twilight realm. I managed to muddle my way through the first two books out of sheer will power, but failed miserably at Eclipse...mostly because it was too damn boring, but also because it read like something my family's jack russell terrier could have written...in one afternoon.
Technically I had no idea where this movie might be headed. I could only hope, as I had during the last two, that it was heading towards ANYONE getting laid. (yeah right)
It never ceases to amaze me how someone like Stephanie Meyer managed to write three books that turned into best sellers...all with the exact same plot. I honestly don't think it matters what order you read or watch these in.
1. Bella is insecure
2. Edward and Jacob have a feud over Bella
3. All the bad guys are obsessed with killing Bella. (Honestly I would be too, but not for the reason they lead you to believe in the movies. She's the most boring and annoying character I've seen in a long while and definitely deserves to fall off of a cliff (and actually die this time!!!!!!!) at the very least.)
4. Everyone fights over who should protect Bella
5......... d e a d s p a c e...........
6..................................................................
7..................................................................
8. Edward and Jacob get blue balls
9...............................random fight scene for no reason
10. Blue balls
11. Credits
It's pretty bad when the action scenes make you want to kill yourself out of boredom. The side plot about a "newborn" vampire army was pretty brutal, but it did give one of the Cullen Clan, Jasper, his time in the spot light.
Jasper, who has been pretty quiet most of the series so far was apparently in the US Cavalry, and because of his sudden back story and epic flashback....adopted a thick southern accent in the middle of the movie. Clearly ( I guess I should say luckily) the actors were not expected to read the book series when they were cast. This guy obviously had no idea that he was supposed to be from the south until right before shooting the flashbacks.
Despite the sudden change in character and voice, Jasper turns out to be pretty bad ass. Maybe he should have his own spin off movie.
Jacob Black, who is about as good an actor as the mop from the Swiffer commercials (so let's face it, pretty good), actually has some pretty funny scenes and one liners in Eclipse.
“I don’t have any leeches on my speed dial.”
“Does my being half-naked bother you?”
“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV”
In fact...a Jasper/Jacob spin off movie or show would be supa cool. It would be the ultimate bromance. They have the alliteration and everything. During the final minutes of Eclipse I found myself wondering why I couldn't be watching the J squared spin off movie instead of this piece of trash.
The Minx Says: At least there aren't any more of these coming out....until November 2011. 4 and 1/2 blessed months of rest before part I of Breaking Dawn, should Bella switch dish detergents because Dawn uses petroleum in their alleged eco-friendly recipe? Tune in November 18, 2011 to find out*.
*I can only hope that this is the real plot of Breaking Dawn.
There was an electricity in the air that I can only attribute the polar reaction of so many Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts coming into close contact with one another in a jam packed theater.
Eclipse was to be a completely new experience for me in the Twilight realm. I managed to muddle my way through the first two books out of sheer will power, but failed miserably at Eclipse...mostly because it was too damn boring, but also because it read like something my family's jack russell terrier could have written...in one afternoon.
Technically I had no idea where this movie might be headed. I could only hope, as I had during the last two, that it was heading towards ANYONE getting laid. (yeah right)
It never ceases to amaze me how someone like Stephanie Meyer managed to write three books that turned into best sellers...all with the exact same plot. I honestly don't think it matters what order you read or watch these in.
1. Bella is insecure
2. Edward and Jacob have a feud over Bella
3. All the bad guys are obsessed with killing Bella. (Honestly I would be too, but not for the reason they lead you to believe in the movies. She's the most boring and annoying character I've seen in a long while and definitely deserves to fall off of a cliff (and actually die this time!!!!!!!) at the very least.)
4. Everyone fights over who should protect Bella
5......... d e a d s p a c e...........
6..................................................................
7..................................................................
8. Edward and Jacob get blue balls
9...............................random fight scene for no reason
10. Blue balls
11. Credits
It's pretty bad when the action scenes make you want to kill yourself out of boredom. The side plot about a "newborn" vampire army was pretty brutal, but it did give one of the Cullen Clan, Jasper, his time in the spot light.
Jasper, who has been pretty quiet most of the series so far was apparently in the US Cavalry, and because of his sudden back story and epic flashback....adopted a thick southern accent in the middle of the movie. Clearly ( I guess I should say luckily) the actors were not expected to read the book series when they were cast. This guy obviously had no idea that he was supposed to be from the south until right before shooting the flashbacks.
Despite the sudden change in character and voice, Jasper turns out to be pretty bad ass. Maybe he should have his own spin off movie.
Jacob Black, who is about as good an actor as the mop from the Swiffer commercials (so let's face it, pretty good), actually has some pretty funny scenes and one liners in Eclipse.
“I don’t have any leeches on my speed dial.”
“Does my being half-naked bother you?”
“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV”
In fact...a Jasper/Jacob spin off movie or show would be supa cool. It would be the ultimate bromance. They have the alliteration and everything. During the final minutes of Eclipse I found myself wondering why I couldn't be watching the J squared spin off movie instead of this piece of trash.
The Minx Says: At least there aren't any more of these coming out....until November 2011. 4 and 1/2 blessed months of rest before part I of Breaking Dawn, should Bella switch dish detergents because Dawn uses petroleum in their alleged eco-friendly recipe? Tune in November 18, 2011 to find out*.
*I can only hope that this is the real plot of Breaking Dawn.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Twilight Experience Saga: Part II
I think that we left off with Team Charlie being pretty awesome. This theme continues into the second movie, New Moon.
New Moon really gets things cooking plot wise. At this point in the saga, we have not one, not two, but three guys vying for Bella's affections. Who wins the Battle for Bella 2009?
a) Edward: A vampiric James Dean wanna be with slightly goofy hair, stenciled in abs, and a makeup job that makes Mimi from the Drew Carey Show look subtle. http://www.freealabama.com/images/mimi.jpg
b) Jacob: A Native American werewolf with a heart of gold and abs that are decidedly not drawn on. https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXjpH_VqzQPSzg0luxQWmjQErGb6XhxV9Y8rRRZ9JvTB0MOQX7DnIpNwWFKj834B9hV-vrDpJRf76wrFmgkJaSgxJaDj46E3Vwklr7NnAgpjNQF-DjkLRpnuDlQK7WK6kkm6LZqitNuz4/s1600/Jacob-Black-New-Moon-twilight-series-7288928-707-1104.jpg
c) Mike: The all American townie that moderately resembles the Mad TV guy http://sharetv.org/images/madtv-show.jpg
Before we move on, just a side note about the references to Jacob and Edward's ab muscles. I think the comparison in the following link will clear up any uncertainty surrounding the situation. http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/8400000/Kanye-Edward-vs-Jacob-jacob-black-8490883-678-452.jpg
Ok...let's get back to Battle for Bella 2009. As we all know, Edward had the lead in the last movie. How could anyone catch up after such a tremendous head start? Well...probably because Edward leaves about 10 minutes into the movie and only appears in misty globs due to Bella's ever worsening psychoses.
Jacob however, is around like 24/7 for a good chunk of time. He and Bella seem to be getting pretty close until about halfway through the movie when he decides to reveal to her his innermost secret...he is a never nude (Don't mock people. This is a real and serious condition involving jorts, sneakers, and no shirt.). Apparently becoming a never nude is a severe side affect of lycanthropy.
Perks of Jacob include but are not limited to:
1. He happens to be there
2. He has a real 6 pack
3. His teeth are very white
4. He can pop his shirt off in 0.00002 seconds flat (a movie record at the very least)
5. Medically speaking, he can think on his feet. (when Bella falls off her motorcycle, he ingeniously uses his shirt popping ability to clean Bella's open head wound)
Despite his clear advantages in New Moon, Jacob never quite seems to win Bella over.
At least Jacob has a little bit of a shot. Poor Mike over in Forks is pretty much hopeless. Not only does he have the clear disadvantage of looking like a giant baby, but Bella won't even agree to go out on an actual date with him. She spends plenty of alone time with misty Edward and furry Jacob, but when it comes time to go to a movie with Mike, she needs a buffer. I mean, she even goes on a motorcycle ride alone with a creepy, fat, balding old guy! Her standards are clearly not that high.
Sorry to say Mike...that you are officially out the the Battle for Bella running.
In addition to Team Charlie being awesome, it becomes increasingly clear that Jessica (Bella's Fork's friend played by Anna Kendrick) is way cooler and more interesting than Bella. Her scenes are a welcome relief from the utter monotony of the rest of the movie. Unfortunately, just like in Twilight, her scenes are few and far between.
Apparently there's nothing more thrilling than watching Bella do.....NOTHING. This is over half of the movie people. I especially love the scene where Edward first leaves and there is a montage of what? Bella sitting in a chair, not moving, staring out the window as the seasons pass for like 10 minutes!!!
I'm seriously getting bored just talking about this. Just a few more comments and I promise this movie is almost over!
So what's up with the Dakota Fanning and the guy from freaking Frost/Nixon being in this movie. I guess I understand Dakota. She's growing up and wants to somehow remain relevant. But Frost from Frost/Nixon??? Are you kidding me??? You don't go from making Frost/Nixon to making New Moon!!! You can maybe go from making Uptown Girls to making New Moon...oh what? Oh she already did that...good thinking Dakota.
What's the New Moon verdict you ask???
The Minx says: She's going to answer this one with a question, which is...Why the hell am I still watching these movies??????
Tune in next time for the continuation of the Twilight Experience Saga where MM will delve into the destined to be classic, Eclipse.
New Moon really gets things cooking plot wise. At this point in the saga, we have not one, not two, but three guys vying for Bella's affections. Who wins the Battle for Bella 2009?
a) Edward: A vampiric James Dean wanna be with slightly goofy hair, stenciled in abs, and a makeup job that makes Mimi from the Drew Carey Show look subtle. http://www.freealabama.com/images/mimi.jpg
b) Jacob: A Native American werewolf with a heart of gold and abs that are decidedly not drawn on. https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXjpH_VqzQPSzg0luxQWmjQErGb6XhxV9Y8rRRZ9JvTB0MOQX7DnIpNwWFKj834B9hV-vrDpJRf76wrFmgkJaSgxJaDj46E3Vwklr7NnAgpjNQF-DjkLRpnuDlQK7WK6kkm6LZqitNuz4/s1600/Jacob-Black-New-Moon-twilight-series-7288928-707-1104.jpg
c) Mike: The all American townie that moderately resembles the Mad TV guy http://sharetv.org/images/madtv-show.jpg
Before we move on, just a side note about the references to Jacob and Edward's ab muscles. I think the comparison in the following link will clear up any uncertainty surrounding the situation. http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/8400000/Kanye-Edward-vs-Jacob-jacob-black-8490883-678-452.jpg
Ok...let's get back to Battle for Bella 2009. As we all know, Edward had the lead in the last movie. How could anyone catch up after such a tremendous head start? Well...probably because Edward leaves about 10 minutes into the movie and only appears in misty globs due to Bella's ever worsening psychoses.
Jacob however, is around like 24/7 for a good chunk of time. He and Bella seem to be getting pretty close until about halfway through the movie when he decides to reveal to her his innermost secret...he is a never nude (Don't mock people. This is a real and serious condition involving jorts, sneakers, and no shirt.). Apparently becoming a never nude is a severe side affect of lycanthropy.
Perks of Jacob include but are not limited to:
1. He happens to be there
2. He has a real 6 pack
3. His teeth are very white
4. He can pop his shirt off in 0.00002 seconds flat (a movie record at the very least)
5. Medically speaking, he can think on his feet. (when Bella falls off her motorcycle, he ingeniously uses his shirt popping ability to clean Bella's open head wound)
Despite his clear advantages in New Moon, Jacob never quite seems to win Bella over.
At least Jacob has a little bit of a shot. Poor Mike over in Forks is pretty much hopeless. Not only does he have the clear disadvantage of looking like a giant baby, but Bella won't even agree to go out on an actual date with him. She spends plenty of alone time with misty Edward and furry Jacob, but when it comes time to go to a movie with Mike, she needs a buffer. I mean, she even goes on a motorcycle ride alone with a creepy, fat, balding old guy! Her standards are clearly not that high.
Sorry to say Mike...that you are officially out the the Battle for Bella running.
In addition to Team Charlie being awesome, it becomes increasingly clear that Jessica (Bella's Fork's friend played by Anna Kendrick) is way cooler and more interesting than Bella. Her scenes are a welcome relief from the utter monotony of the rest of the movie. Unfortunately, just like in Twilight, her scenes are few and far between.
Apparently there's nothing more thrilling than watching Bella do.....NOTHING. This is over half of the movie people. I especially love the scene where Edward first leaves and there is a montage of what? Bella sitting in a chair, not moving, staring out the window as the seasons pass for like 10 minutes!!!
I'm seriously getting bored just talking about this. Just a few more comments and I promise this movie is almost over!
So what's up with the Dakota Fanning and the guy from freaking Frost/Nixon being in this movie. I guess I understand Dakota. She's growing up and wants to somehow remain relevant. But Frost from Frost/Nixon??? Are you kidding me??? You don't go from making Frost/Nixon to making New Moon!!! You can maybe go from making Uptown Girls to making New Moon...oh what? Oh she already did that...good thinking Dakota.
What's the New Moon verdict you ask???
The Minx says: She's going to answer this one with a question, which is...Why the hell am I still watching these movies??????
Tune in next time for the continuation of the Twilight Experience Saga where MM will delve into the destined to be classic, Eclipse.
Friday, July 2, 2010
The Twilight Experience: Part I
I'm sure that all of my readers out there are on the edge of their seats...because I have received comments saying you are on the edge of your seats in anticipation of my next Twilight entry.
Let's focus on the first movie of the Saga, Twilight.
Now I've seen this movie before, but never in the theater. Now if you thought that Twilight was boring in the comfort of your own home...then you are absolutely correct, and that goes double for the in theater experience. It's just like watching the movie in your living room except bigger and much much less comfortable. At least in your house you can squish down on your comfy couch with a beer, or for Twilight, let's face it...a scotch (double). The extreme awkward sexual tension with a total lack of actual sex is merely close up with a wide angle lens, somehow making it EVEN MORE AWKWARD! It also makes the alleged love interest in the movie even less realistic.
The makeup job on Robert Pattinson (Edward) is nauseating at best. He looks like a combination clown/blind old lady. You would think they could at least blend in the makeup lines on his chin line.
Speaking of nauseating, does Edward actually like Bella? Every time he's close to her it kind of looks like he's about to throw up. Either that or he's taking a massive number 2. I guess that's his version of being really strongly attracted to someone. Someone find out what acting school he attended.
Kristen Stewart's (Bella "oh I'm so clumsy and hideous act...why would anyone ever want to be with me" gets more obnoxious as my viewings of the film (I say laughably) increase.
I did notice one particular aspect of Bella's personality that spoke much louder on the big screen: she's a complete psycho! Her obsession over Edward in this film is not only gross and unhealthy, it's a bad example to set for our nations tweens. Also...it's really pathetic and unrealistic. There is no way a theoretically hot vampire is going to want some girl hanging all over him and saying she wants to be with him forever. No wonder Edward won't turn her into a vampire in the end of the movie. I don't think a human guy would want a chick like that hanging around for the rest of her life, let alone a smoldering 100 year old vampire.
Is there any saving grace in this movie? Well...not exactly a saving grace, but there is a beacon of light. It may be quite faint, but if you're really looking for it...you may catch a glimmer of it. What is this beacon of light? CHARLIE, Bella's dad. He is literally the only one invested in this movie. I have a theory that he's actually a stand up comic and he's using the Twilight movies to finely tune his skills. Any scene with Charlie in it is completely bearable. Unfortunately, Charlie is only in like four scenes so his screen time is rather limited.
I could go on, but if you've seen Twilight...I hope that I don't have to.
Media Minx says: Screw Team Edward and Team Jacob! Go for TEAM CHARLIE!!!!!
Tune in tomorrow for the continuation of the Minx's Twilight Experience Saga
Let's focus on the first movie of the Saga, Twilight.
Now I've seen this movie before, but never in the theater. Now if you thought that Twilight was boring in the comfort of your own home...then you are absolutely correct, and that goes double for the in theater experience. It's just like watching the movie in your living room except bigger and much much less comfortable. At least in your house you can squish down on your comfy couch with a beer, or for Twilight, let's face it...a scotch (double). The extreme awkward sexual tension with a total lack of actual sex is merely close up with a wide angle lens, somehow making it EVEN MORE AWKWARD! It also makes the alleged love interest in the movie even less realistic.
The makeup job on Robert Pattinson (Edward) is nauseating at best. He looks like a combination clown/blind old lady. You would think they could at least blend in the makeup lines on his chin line.
Speaking of nauseating, does Edward actually like Bella? Every time he's close to her it kind of looks like he's about to throw up. Either that or he's taking a massive number 2. I guess that's his version of being really strongly attracted to someone. Someone find out what acting school he attended.
Kristen Stewart's (Bella "oh I'm so clumsy and hideous act...why would anyone ever want to be with me" gets more obnoxious as my viewings of the film (I say laughably) increase.
I did notice one particular aspect of Bella's personality that spoke much louder on the big screen: she's a complete psycho! Her obsession over Edward in this film is not only gross and unhealthy, it's a bad example to set for our nations tweens. Also...it's really pathetic and unrealistic. There is no way a theoretically hot vampire is going to want some girl hanging all over him and saying she wants to be with him forever. No wonder Edward won't turn her into a vampire in the end of the movie. I don't think a human guy would want a chick like that hanging around for the rest of her life, let alone a smoldering 100 year old vampire.
Is there any saving grace in this movie? Well...not exactly a saving grace, but there is a beacon of light. It may be quite faint, but if you're really looking for it...you may catch a glimmer of it. What is this beacon of light? CHARLIE, Bella's dad. He is literally the only one invested in this movie. I have a theory that he's actually a stand up comic and he's using the Twilight movies to finely tune his skills. Any scene with Charlie in it is completely bearable. Unfortunately, Charlie is only in like four scenes so his screen time is rather limited.
I could go on, but if you've seen Twilight...I hope that I don't have to.
Media Minx says: Screw Team Edward and Team Jacob! Go for TEAM CHARLIE!!!!!
Tune in tomorrow for the continuation of the Minx's Twilight Experience Saga
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Twilight Experience: Prologue
The continuation of the Twilight Saga, Eclipse, arrived in theaters on June 30th, 2010 at 12:01am. If you were lucky you managed to get a ticket to the midnight showing. I mean, who wouldn't want to be there for the ultra gripping love triangle that entangles Bella, Edward and Jacob?
If you were even luckier, you managed to obtain a ticket to the Twilight Experience (a nine hour recap that included showings of the previous two movies and ended in a grand finale, a showing of Eclipse at the witching hour).
Being a reviewer of movies at the classiest level, of course I attended the event at my local AMC Theater. The ticket cost for this blessed event was $30. To add an extra bonus to the already sweet sweet pot, AMC gave each attendee a commemorative event lanyard and a $10 AMC Theater gift card featuring the images of Bella, Edward and Jacob.
That about sets the stage for the event that will undoubtedly go down in history. As what exactly? Well you'll have to keep reading the Media Minx Twilight Experience Saga to find out...
Tune in tomorrow for Part I of the media minx's assessment of the Twilight Experience, beginning with Twilight.
If you were even luckier, you managed to obtain a ticket to the Twilight Experience (a nine hour recap that included showings of the previous two movies and ended in a grand finale, a showing of Eclipse at the witching hour).
Being a reviewer of movies at the classiest level, of course I attended the event at my local AMC Theater. The ticket cost for this blessed event was $30. To add an extra bonus to the already sweet sweet pot, AMC gave each attendee a commemorative event lanyard and a $10 AMC Theater gift card featuring the images of Bella, Edward and Jacob.
That about sets the stage for the event that will undoubtedly go down in history. As what exactly? Well you'll have to keep reading the Media Minx Twilight Experience Saga to find out...
Tune in tomorrow for Part I of the media minx's assessment of the Twilight Experience, beginning with Twilight.
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