Monday, July 5, 2010

Twilight Experience Saga: Part II

I think that we left off with Team Charlie being pretty awesome. This theme continues into the second movie, New Moon.

New Moon really gets things cooking plot wise. At this point in the saga, we have not one, not two, but three guys vying for Bella's affections. Who wins the Battle for Bella 2009?

a) Edward: A vampiric James Dean wanna be with slightly goofy hair, stenciled in abs, and a makeup job that makes Mimi from the Drew Carey Show look subtle. http://www.freealabama.com/images/mimi.jpg

b) Jacob: A Native American werewolf with a heart of gold and abs that are decidedly not drawn on. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_bX9OR1X47Nw/Sw_9OMZdQhI/AAAAAAAAAVw/GkbHev9mlHw/s1600/Jacob-Black-New-Moon-twilight-series-7288928-707-1104.jpg

c) Mike: The all American townie that moderately resembles the Mad TV guy http://sharetv.org/images/madtv-show.jpg

Before we move on, just a side note about the references to Jacob and Edward's ab muscles. I think the comparison in the following link will clear up any uncertainty surrounding the situation. http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/8400000/Kanye-Edward-vs-Jacob-jacob-black-8490883-678-452.jpg

Ok...let's get back to Battle for Bella 2009. As we all know, Edward had the lead in the last movie. How could anyone catch up after such a tremendous head start? Well...probably because Edward leaves about 10 minutes into the movie and only appears in misty globs due to Bella's ever worsening psychoses.

Jacob however, is around like 24/7 for a good chunk of time. He and Bella seem to be getting pretty close until about halfway through the movie when he decides to reveal to her his innermost secret...he is a never nude (Don't mock people. This is a real and serious condition involving jorts, sneakers, and no shirt.). Apparently becoming a never nude is a severe side affect of lycanthropy.

Perks of Jacob include but are not limited to:

1. He happens to be there
2. He has a real 6 pack
3. His teeth are very white
4. He can pop his shirt off in 0.00002 seconds flat (a movie record at the very least)
5. Medically speaking, he can think on his feet. (when Bella falls off her motorcycle, he ingeniously uses his shirt popping ability to clean Bella's open head wound)

Despite his clear advantages in New Moon, Jacob never quite seems to win Bella over.

At least Jacob has a little bit of a shot. Poor Mike over in Forks is pretty much hopeless. Not only does he have the clear disadvantage of looking like a giant baby, but Bella won't even agree to go out on an actual date with him. She spends plenty of alone time with misty Edward and furry Jacob, but when it comes time to go to a movie with Mike, she needs a buffer. I mean, she even goes on a motorcycle ride alone with a creepy, fat, balding old guy! Her standards are clearly not that high.

Sorry to say Mike...that you are officially out the the Battle for Bella running.

In addition to Team Charlie being awesome, it becomes increasingly clear that Jessica (Bella's Fork's friend played by Anna Kendrick) is way cooler and more interesting than Bella. Her scenes are a welcome relief from the utter monotony of the rest of the movie. Unfortunately, just like in Twilight, her scenes are few and far between.

Apparently there's nothing more thrilling than watching Bella do.....NOTHING. This is over half of the movie people. I especially love the scene where Edward first leaves and there is a montage of what? Bella sitting in a chair, not moving, staring out the window as the seasons pass for like 10 minutes!!!

I'm seriously getting bored just talking about this. Just a few more comments and I promise this movie is almost over!

So what's up with the Dakota Fanning and the guy from freaking Frost/Nixon being in this movie. I guess I understand Dakota. She's growing up and wants to somehow remain relevant. But Frost from Frost/Nixon??? Are you kidding me??? You don't go from making Frost/Nixon to making New Moon!!! You can maybe go from making Uptown Girls to making New Moon...oh what? Oh she already did that...good thinking Dakota.

What's the New Moon verdict you ask???

The Minx says: She's going to answer this one with a question, which is...Why the hell am I still watching these movies??????

Tune in next time for the continuation of the Twilight Experience Saga where MM will delve into the destined to be classic, Eclipse.

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